Jugs, baps, nawks, hooters, cans, knockers, bouncing Buddahs, sweater stretchers, the Mitchell brothers, tatas, lady lumps….
I have been large in the breast area for what seems like my entire life. I had actual tits at fourteen. For some reason they grew before anything else and anyone elses. This is when I first discovered the world of pain having big boobs would cause. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes love having them but I’m here to share why on other days I would happily trade with Kendall Jenner. No this is not a #humblebrag
> Underwear and bikini sets that come in set sizes
Now this for me is stupid universally for ladies as I don’t believe there is anyone on the planet that is the same size up top as they are below. However, being a size 8 on the bottom and size 16 on top makes buying sets in Topshop particularly impossible. Shout out to H&M for their mix and match set up.
> Button up shirts
I don’t know why I still buy these... as I can guarantee you, I will get the unsightly gap between the buttons around your boob area as it strains to stay together. Just size up then you say? Sure, if I want to wear a tent!
> Any tight tops or t-shirts look slutty
I envy any of my friends that wear really ‘cute’ strappy tops and actually look ‘cute’ as opposed to pornographic.
> Having to wear layers of sports bras
I currently have to wear a sports bra that looks like it is a Victorian era torture device. Plus a sports crop top over this, then a top over that to keep these bad boys down.
> Cute bras for larger chested ladies aren’t a thing
They are all wires and thick, hefty and ugly straps. Or, over the shoulder-boulder-holders as I like to call them.
> You can forget anything backless or strapless
Unless I want to spend the whole night fidgeting around making sure everything stays where it damn well should or alternatively, cover my entire body in tit tape. They are a no go.
> Cross body bags and seat belts
These poor straps just get eaten alive, they disappear down the cavernous mountain that is my cleavage.
There are silver linings to having Phil and Grant however... I’m yet to knock anything over with them. I’ve heard that’s a thing and that it's embarrassing. Also, after going to the cinema you’re guaranteed to find some left over popcorn or sweets down there for a midnight snack.
My two questions are, why can only Kate Upton make big boobs work for her? Moreover, does any one out there feel my pain (literally)?
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